Is it hard to see Jesus sometimes?
I met with a spiritual mentor a couple of weeks ago. I talked about how I had been wrestling with my ache for God. I don’t doubt God’s existence anymore. There were times in my life when that was the main concern, but I’m not there anymore. I do, however, ache for a response from him.
I read a lot of books about the contemplative life. Authors say things like, “the Bible is a book of examples not exceptions, God spoke to those people and he still speaks to us today.” I believe that God spoke to people and still speaks to people. I even have anchor points in my life when I know God interacted with me on a personal level. But I ache for it to happen more often…and it doesn’t…or at least it doesn’t seem to.
When I read the account of the resurrection of Jesus in John 20, it seems that those who are encountering Jesus in this chapter are doing so through fear, grief, and doubt. First, Peter and John are afraid when they hear that Jesus’s body is gone and they run to the tomb to check. John seems to be too afraid to go in even though he gets there first. Mary remains at the tomb weeping, her grief is so great that she does not recognize Jesus when he first speaks to her. He has to call her by name before she is pulled through her grief to see her risen teacher. Thomas won’t believe his friends until Jesus stands in front of him so that he can touch Jesus’ wounds and see his scars.
At the end of the chapter John lets us in on his whole purpose for writing about the things that Jesus did, which he decided to include in his gospel. He says he wrote these things so that we might believe that Jesus is the Christ and through believing have life.
Jesus told Thomas that he was blessed because he saw and believed, but those who do not see and have believed are even more blessed.
Is the ache I feel a blessing? I believe even though I have not seen. I ache to see…to hear…to feel his presence. Does this mean I am blessed? My spiritual mentor asked me if, perhaps, the ache and the tears that flow down my face when I listen to John Mark McMillans new album is the response of the spirit that I long for.
Paul said it this way, we too who have the first fruits of the spirit grown inwardly for the return of Jesus.
It is the spirit that gives us the ache…we wouldn’t have it without him.
May you be blessed by the ache, the fear, the grief, and the doubt and come to find Jesus through them and through him…life.
If you want to check out the album I refer to, listen to the first three of his new cosmic supreme album. #supremeteam especially “all my life.”
