Believe and live through fear, grief, and doubt (John 20)

 Is it hard to see Jesus sometimes?

I met with a spiritual mentor a couple of weeks ago. I talked about how I had been wrestling with my ache for God. I don’t doubt God’s existence anymore. There were times in my life when that was the main concern, but I’m not there anymore. I do, however, ache for a response from him.

I read a lot of books about the contemplative life. Authors say things like, “the Bible is a book of examples not exceptions, God spoke to those people and he still speaks to us today.” I believe that God spoke to people and still speaks to people. I even have anchor points in my life when I know God interacted with me on a personal level. But I ache for it to happen more often…and it doesn’t…or at least it doesn’t seem to.

When I read the account of the resurrection of Jesus in John 20, it seems that those who are encountering Jesus in this chapter are doing so through fear, grief, and doubt. First, Peter and John are afraid when they hear that Jesus’s body is gone and they run to the tomb to check. John seems to be too afraid to go in even though he gets there first. Mary remains at the tomb weeping, her grief is so great that she does not recognize Jesus when he first speaks to her. He has to call her by name before she is pulled through her grief to see her risen teacher. Thomas won’t believe his friends until Jesus stands in front of him so that he can touch Jesus’ wounds and see his scars. 

At the end of the chapter John lets us in on his whole purpose for writing about the things that Jesus did, which he decided to include in his gospel. He says he wrote these things so that we might believe that Jesus is the Christ and through believing have life. 

Jesus told Thomas that he was blessed because he saw and believed, but those who do not see and have believed are even more blessed. 

Is the ache I feel a blessing? I believe even though I have not seen. I ache to see…to hear…to feel his presence. Does this mean I am blessed? My spiritual mentor asked me if, perhaps, the ache and the tears that flow down my face when I listen to John Mark McMillans new album is the response of the spirit that I long for. 

Paul said it this way, we too who have the first fruits of the spirit grown inwardly for the return of Jesus. 

It is the spirit that gives us the ache…we wouldn’t have it without him.

May you be blessed by the ache, the fear, the grief, and the doubt and come to find Jesus through them and through him…life.

If you want to check out the album I refer to, listen to the first three of his new cosmic supreme album. #supremeteam especially “all my life.”

Sour Wine, Piercing, and Death...what will it take for us to believe? (John 19)

What will it take or has it taken for us to believe in Jesus as the Messiah?

It's one thing to know that you have something, its a whole different thing to own it, live it, revel in it. I have been given this amazing opportunity to teach at Kettering College. Not everyone who finishes their PhD or any degree for that matter has the option to actually work in the area of their degree. I do. Its a good solid job, with a good solid wage. We live in a wonderful little house that was built in 1898. My wife, who manages bi-polar, is stable and adjusting well. Our beautiful daughter who is about to turn 13, misses her friends back in Michigan, but is doing very well in her new school and is one of the most cheerful people I know. Both treat me with such kindness and grace. My position at Kettering College allows me to teach and has also provided the opportunity to take CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education). I am learning as I teach and deepening in my experience of compassion. I know all of these things, yet...I struggle to own it. Questions of self-doubt, struggles to keep up my energy, a longing to belong in the way that I did in our community in Michigan. We have "arrived" or are getting there...what will it take for it all to be real...for me to believe...

In John 19, we have the story of Jesus being tried, politically railroaded, crucified, and buried. In verse 35 John writes with conviction, this all really happened the one who is writing to you saw it all! I want you to believe! Pilot is confronted with Christ, so much so that John tells us that he fully intends to release him and even works to do so. The Jewish political leaders, however, will not let him step away from crucifying this "enemy of the state." Pilot knows that Jesus is innocent, but he doesn't own it. Instead he washes his hands of it and turns Jesus over to be crucified. The disciples have been with Jesus for 3 years, they know he is the Messiah, but somehow it is only John standing at the foot of the cross. They know it, but they haven't owned it.

John points out the evidences of Jesus fulfilling OT prophecy. In order to fulfill the scriptures, after taking care of the welfare of his mother, cries out that he is thirsty. Sour wine is brought to him, he drinks, and then proclaims it is finished. The savior of the world, the Son of God, gave up his last breath. The soldiers come to finish the job, the break the legs of the other two crucified with Jesus, but finding Jesus already dead - they pierce his side and blood and water flow. John cries out with the conviction that he has seen these things and writes them so that his readers can believe...so that they can own it, as he has.

Only at Jesus' death do Joseph of Arimathea and Nicodemus come out of the cover of night and ask for Jesus' body so that they can lay him in a tomb. They knew that Jesus was the messiah, but it took his death before they would own it.

What will it take for you, for me...to really believe that Jesus was who he said he was? What will it take in our own lives to not just recognize the things that he has done in our lives, but to own them deeply...powerfully...transformationally? Often, I think, it means saying it out loud for all the world to hear. John wrote what he owned, what he believed. I write it now in this blogpost...owning who Jesus is and what he has done in my life. Confession truly is good for the soul.

May we all not simply know that Jesus is the Messiah and what he has done in our lives...but own it enough to vulnerably proclaim it to all who will take the time to listen.

You mean what Jesus said actually happened? (John 18)

Do you ever feel like you are still waiting for a promise from God to be fulfilled?

I opened up facebook today to see one of those memory sharing opportunities. This time it was a post that I shared 4 years ago: "I passed Greek, Hebrew, German, and French....PhD here I come." That was a great day, I remember feeling the forward movement and the promise of what was to come. That day was also 4 years ago...

I have finished my class work, I have passed by comprehensives, and I have even submitted the first two chapters of my dissertation for review, but its been 4 years. I thought when I came here I would get my class work done in 2.5 years and then go back to full time work, perhaps as a Pastor of a church or dream of all dreams I would get hired to teach while I worked on my dissertation. Did I mention it has been 4 years...? I moved here to start this program on the providence of God and I still believe that Jesus spoke to me through scripture in my devotions moments before I went into my departmental interview to get into the program. I have an anchor point of reassurance that this is where I am supposed to be and I need it today more than ever, after 4 years...

In John chapter 18 the gospel writer tells the story of Jesus' arrest by the temple guard. They come in the middle of the night led by Judas who betrays Jesus with a kiss. John describes one of my favorite moments when Jesus asked who they have come for and when they say Jesus of Nazareth, Jesus proclaims, "I am he." The whole group falls back at the power of that statement, awesome! Jesus asks again who they have come for and they have the same exchange, then Jesus tells them to let the others go. John then points out that this is the fulfill what Jesus had said at a previous occasion, that not one of those you gave me would be lost.

There are two other times in this chapter when John references Jesus' words coming true. One is explicit and the other is implicit. The implicit moment happens first, Peter has been let into the courtyard of the high priest and he denies Jesus three times before the rooster crows. Jesus said this was going to happen back in John chapter 13. The explicit moment happens next when the Jews take Jesus before Pilate and Pilate tells them to judge Jesus themselves. The Jewish leaders reply that they don't have the ability to put someone to death. John then points out that this fulfills the words of Jesus about how he was going to die recorded by John in chapter 12.

John does not pull any punches about his purpose for writing his gospel. He tells us that he is writing these things in order that we might believe in Jesus as the Messiah. So he builds into his narrative the moments when Jesus spoke and then when those words came to fulfillment. At the end of chapter 18 Jesus is speaking to Pilate and he tells him that, "everyone who is of the truth listens to my voice." The words of Jesus are true and John is demonstrating that within the narrative of his gospel.

Do I believe that Jesus had lead me to this place? Do I believe that he spoke to my heart through the scriptures that day, now more that 4 years ago and gave me the answers for the interview with the Theology Dept.? Yes I do. Well then...it's only been 4 years...and he has and will see us through.

 May we listen to the voice of Christ today and believe that he speaks the truth.

Loving those we have chosen to be different from. (John 17)

Have you ever noticed a time when the way that you think has set you apart from those around you?

This a pretty common occurrence in life if you think about it. Depending on how we think we are set apart in different groups or sometimes by ourselves. If you think a certain way you are set apart as a democrat or a republican. Depending on how you think you are set apart as a caregiver, a lawyer, a business person, a member of the armed forces. The way that we think, the instruction that we accept in our lives, and the opinions of different people that we choose to agree with changes who we are and sets apart from some people and brings us together with others.

I think this is what Jesus was getting at in John 17 when he prays that his Father would sanctify the apostles and those that come after them with the truth that is in the word of God. I was trying to figure out what it meant to be sanctified by truth and it seems that truth must change us in some way if we are to be sanctified by it. The word sanctified means to be set a part. So in some way when we accept the word of God they are set apart from others.

Jesus goes on to say that the world will hate his disciples because they are not a part of the world, just as he was not a part of the world and so the world hated him. It is the acceptance of the word of God that sets the disciples apart from the world. By believing in that Jesus is sent from God would naturally bring animosity between the disciples and the jewish community in which they lived. But its more than this because eternal life, according to this passage, is about knowing God and Jesus Christ whom he sent. So the disciples are also set apart for eternal life.

While they are set apart from the world they are brought together with one another and with God. Jesus prays that they would be one as he and the Father are one. He prays not only for the disciples but for all those who come after them that have believed in their message. Jesus prays that all believers, Christians, would be united together in his name and the love of the Father. Set apart from the world yet united in Christ as we accept his words, the words the Father gave to him and the same words which has passed on to us.

Jesus does not, however, pray that his disciples would be removed from the world. They are set apart by how they think and who they know, but they are not to be physically removed from the world. They are to spread the message so that the number of people united in Christ will grow. So the trick is to come to know God and be set apart from the world in the way that we think united with Christ and our fellow believers and yet not to withdraw ourselves from the world around us, but to invite them into this new mindset (even though they may hate us at first).

Wow, what a situation, no wonder Jesus is praying for us! At the end of the chapter Jesus prays that it will be through his name and through the love of the Father that believers will be united. So it comes down to love. The words that Jesus was given by the Father are words of love to a world that is lost and broken. We may be set apart by choosing to believe in Jesus, but we are still drawn to those who are different than us because of the love of God for the world.

May we be transformed, changed, sanctified, set apart in a new way of living, eternal life, united in Christ, and may we be drawn to those who are different from us by the love of God so they too can be united with Christ.

Oh now we believe you....(John 16)

Have you ever wavered in your conviction?

I find that my conviction to eat healthfully waivers on a daily...no moment by moment basis. How am I feeling in that moment...how hungry I am compared to the moment before and I still haven't eaten yet...I just had an amazing success, I'm eating all veggies...I just got passed over for another job, I need some chocolate covered donuts...really, my gut is that big, I have got to start counting intake again. How many times does my faith do the same thing? Do I understand where God is taking me? Can I see his clear guidance in the past? What does the future look like? Why is this temptation so hard to resist? Praise was amazing, I'm all in! Praise was awful, why weren't you there? It's been 5 days since I read my bible or had any serious time in prayer...my self control is at a zero. I've been reading and blogging every day...I feel so centered. And on and on it goes...

In John chapter 16, Jesus is telling his disciples about the upcoming ups and downs they will be having in their faith lives over the next several days/centuries surrounding his death and then ascension to the Father. They will have great sorrow when all the world is rejoicing...he will be crucified, but that sorrow ill be turned to amazing joy on the day of the resurrection. Jesus will be going away for a little while and then in a little while they will see him again. In their confusion over this statement the disciples start to question him yet again not knowing what to think or believe. Then Jesus speaks "plainly" and tells them he is going to the Father. "Now we get it," they say, "now we know that you have all of the answers, so we believe now." Jesus replies, "Oh really, now you believe? In just moments you will be running away from me, but don't worry I won't be alone because the Father is always with me."

I don't know what your faith life looks like right now. I don't know if you are in moments of sorrow, joy, belief, or doubt. I don't know how many years you have been solid with God or angry at him. And we are all still waiting in this broken world for the little while to be done so that we can see Jesus come again. Our faith wavers as the moments of our lives change. Jesus, does give us a rather amazing place to lean however in this passage. Just as for him, the Father is always there for us...we can always turn to him. Jesus even tells his disciples that they don't have to ask things of the Father through him, they can go directly to the Father and ask in Jesus name. We have direct access to God in heaven. Whether our feelings about that or our belief in that may waver, according to Jesus it is always true.

And as we can see with the faith of the disciples...belief wavers for those who are the spiritual leaders and heroes in the bible, so it will for us as well and this is OK. Jesus still wants them around, he still chooses them to do amazing things, even though they are all kinds of wishy washy in their belief.

May we develop a dependance on the Father moment by moment...so that even as we waver back and forth, we can know, as Jesus did, that we are never alone.

Naturally Hated...Cakes or Sinful Desires? (John 15)

Why would the world today hate Jesus?

I trying to think of a time in my life when I have actually been hated for something or when I have been the hater...I am not coming up with something right off hand. I can think of times in my life when others have picked on me...is that considered persecution? I remember a couple of older boys in grade school who thought it was great sport of mercilessly mock me if I picked my nose or if I spent to much time in the bathroom. We had a very small school, a little church school that I went to for grade school. Usually sometime in the afternoon I would need to wonder off to the bathroom, and I usually would take a little longer, because school work was boring. This older boy started timing me and then would mock me in front of the other students for how long I was in the bathroom. One day as he was doing this because the teacher was out of the room, I turned in retaliation and grabbed him by the shirt shoving him and pinning him up against the door. With a shaking voice he tried to continue mocking me..."oooo, I'm not scared of you." While this is a fun little story I don't know that I have every been actually hated or persecuted especially for my faith.

In John 15, Jesus begins by encouraging the disciples to remain in him like the branches of a grapevine remain in the vine. Staying connected to their source of life and purpose. He says they have already been cleansed by his message, they will remain in him when his words remain in him, and they will remain in his love by keeping his commands...which he then clarifies that his greatest command is for them to love each other.

Following the teaching on abiding, Jesus then says that the disciples will be hated and persecuted because the world hated and persecuted Jesus first. The servant is no greater than the master and sense the world had persecuted Jesus it would naturally persecute the disciples as well. The world will naturally hate you because they hated me, he says, and because they hated me they also hated my Father who sent me.

Jesus was definitely hated in his day by the religious leaders who thought that he was blaspheming God by claiming to be God. They didn't like that he was gaining religious influence over the people because that meant the people were responding to them less and less. Rome hated Jesus and the first Christians because they were causing and disturbance in the peace and wouldn't worship Caesar. Anyone who created political unrest was not a friend of the state. And the best way to ensure loyalty was to require the worship of the ruler as a deity, so that didn't fly well for the Christians...lions and crucifixions and things.

But what about today...are the followers of Jesus naturally persecuted because they follow Jesus. We don't have to worship the president, you can even vocally disagree with the president on national television and you won't get persecuted. The hating on Christians I hear about the most in the US is because Christians are hating on someone else or refusing to bake a cake. In other countries it is more true...Muslim extremists will persecute Christians for not believing that Allah is the only God, sometimes family members even reject their own family, kicking them out of the house if they accept Jesus as God. But muslim extremists aren't fans of most of the western world so...you can't really say that as a follower of Jesus you will be naturally hated and persecuted...at least not in the same way as the early disciples.

Perhaps I am sheltered, naive, and don't really understand the religious situation in the other parts of the world, and I am willing to admit that. But in the US people might think you are a little weird for believing in Jesus, they won't like it if you try to force your belief on them, and if you translate the Christian faith into a reason not to serve a certain group of people you are now breaking the law. The problem is abiding in Jesus according this this passage is accepting his message, letting his words abide in our minds, and obeying his command - which is to love people...(loving people involves serving them, P.S. (I suppose I might get some religious persecution for this statement)).

The closest thing I can think of regarding following Jesus that might get you into trouble in the US is what a group like "the simple way" has done in Philadelphia. When they starting feeding the homeless and loving the poor when the city had decided that feeding the homeless in public places was against the law. I think Jesus would have been there feeding the poor along with them.

This blog asks questions more than offers an answer so feel free to chime in with your thoughts.

The truth is the strongest persecution I feel on a regular basis is the persecution of sinful desires within my own head. The war of desiring to do things, watch things, or think things that are not a part of abiding in Christ. When I make the decision to change the channel or not look at something on the internet my sinful desires scream at me as does the media I am choosing to reject. My selfishness to take care of my own needs instead of my daughter's or those around me rails against any act of self-sacrifice I might choose instead. My greatest persecutor seems to be the sin that is living inside of me. Therefore I need to abide in Jesus all the more...for it is my own sinful nature, which naturally hates Jesus the most.

May we abide in Christ today, may his message cleanse us, may his words live in us, may we obey his commands of love...because the war inside of us is...oh...so...natural.

In the Midst of Fear...Barns and Resume's (John 14)

What are you afraid of?

I remember being afraid growing up. My folks live up on the side of a mountain in Northern Idaho, they have a house and a barn and two horses with a pasture that runs along the side of the hill. I can remember as a kids walking back from the barn after dark. The motion light would stay on for a while and then it would go dark. I would start to get that creepy feeling of the darkness closing in and something coming to get me. I would break into a run for the house and feel the relief flood over me when the motion light from the house would finally kick-on. There was just something about not being able to see where I was going and not knowing what could be coming from any where around me. I would get to the back walkway at the house and my heart would be pumping.

Fear continues to be a factor for me even today. Yes, sometimes the dark can still get to me, but more often it is the fear of the unknown in life's circumstances. I couldn't see how we were going to sell our house in the wake of 9/11, I can't see possibilities for getting out of credit card debt, I don't know where our next job will be, where we will move, how I will get past all of these apparent closed doors to a career. My heart starts racing again and I start running to job websites, turning in applications and sending out resume's like mad. The darkness of unknown circumstances can turn me in to a depressed grump to my family and a weary worship leader at church.

In John 14, Jesus has just told the disciples that one of them is going to betray him and that Peter will deny him. So Jesus begins the chapter with a promise, "Don't let you hearts be troubled, believe in God believe also in me. There is more than enough room in my Father's home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am. And you know the way to where I am going." Well this just freaks the disciples out all the more, "you're going away? how do we know the way if we don't even know where you are going?" Jesus reassures them again, "I am the way." You know the way guys, you know who I am, you know my father, and even when I go away the Father is going to send you another companion, the Holy Spirit, and he will always be with you. It's going to be OK, you don't have to be afraid. Even though it looks dark and you can't see the way through now...it will be OK, I got you!

Jesus calls them to believe in him, and to follow his commands because that is how they will show that they love him. He promises them that he will give them peace of mind, that they can't get any where else. "The Holy Spirit will guide you he will remind you of the things that I taught you, you won't forget, you will remember and when you do..you will believe all the more that I am the Messiah."

What is it that you are afraid of? Is it something in your life's circumstances, is there something you don't understand about who God is or what he might have planned for you life? I believe that God has something planned for my life, but sometimes is it awfully hard for me to see what it is or how I am going to get there. I find my self needing to remember that God is already with me. I have the blessings of my family, he has given me the opportunity to study for this PhD, he has given me ministry and work with a great church, and I am even building my academic career through facilitating classes online. It's really not that dark right now, the light is all around me I simply need to open my eyes and let the Spirit remind me of what God is already doing in my life. When I do, I can breathe and I can believe.

May we all receive the peace that Jesus has to offer to us when we open our eyes to see the light of his work and his presence all around us.