In the Midst of Fear...Barns and Resume's (John 14)

What are you afraid of?

I remember being afraid growing up. My folks live up on the side of a mountain in Northern Idaho, they have a house and a barn and two horses with a pasture that runs along the side of the hill. I can remember as a kids walking back from the barn after dark. The motion light would stay on for a while and then it would go dark. I would start to get that creepy feeling of the darkness closing in and something coming to get me. I would break into a run for the house and feel the relief flood over me when the motion light from the house would finally kick-on. There was just something about not being able to see where I was going and not knowing what could be coming from any where around me. I would get to the back walkway at the house and my heart would be pumping.

Fear continues to be a factor for me even today. Yes, sometimes the dark can still get to me, but more often it is the fear of the unknown in life's circumstances. I couldn't see how we were going to sell our house in the wake of 9/11, I can't see possibilities for getting out of credit card debt, I don't know where our next job will be, where we will move, how I will get past all of these apparent closed doors to a career. My heart starts racing again and I start running to job websites, turning in applications and sending out resume's like mad. The darkness of unknown circumstances can turn me in to a depressed grump to my family and a weary worship leader at church.

In John 14, Jesus has just told the disciples that one of them is going to betray him and that Peter will deny him. So Jesus begins the chapter with a promise, "Don't let you hearts be troubled, believe in God believe also in me. There is more than enough room in my Father's home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am. And you know the way to where I am going." Well this just freaks the disciples out all the more, "you're going away? how do we know the way if we don't even know where you are going?" Jesus reassures them again, "I am the way." You know the way guys, you know who I am, you know my father, and even when I go away the Father is going to send you another companion, the Holy Spirit, and he will always be with you. It's going to be OK, you don't have to be afraid. Even though it looks dark and you can't see the way through now...it will be OK, I got you!

Jesus calls them to believe in him, and to follow his commands because that is how they will show that they love him. He promises them that he will give them peace of mind, that they can't get any where else. "The Holy Spirit will guide you he will remind you of the things that I taught you, you won't forget, you will remember and when you do..you will believe all the more that I am the Messiah."

What is it that you are afraid of? Is it something in your life's circumstances, is there something you don't understand about who God is or what he might have planned for you life? I believe that God has something planned for my life, but sometimes is it awfully hard for me to see what it is or how I am going to get there. I find my self needing to remember that God is already with me. I have the blessings of my family, he has given me the opportunity to study for this PhD, he has given me ministry and work with a great church, and I am even building my academic career through facilitating classes online. It's really not that dark right now, the light is all around me I simply need to open my eyes and let the Spirit remind me of what God is already doing in my life. When I do, I can breathe and I can believe.

May we all receive the peace that Jesus has to offer to us when we open our eyes to see the light of his work and his presence all around us.

Who am I...What will happen next? (John 13)

Do we really know who we are?

Have you ever tried to define yourself? Have you ever tried to change your lifestyle or your thought patterns because you didn't like who you thought you were? I know that I have. I have gone back to school for higher degrees twice. Once to get my Masters In Divinity ( I know right, like anyone can master divinity), and now again for a PhD in Systematic Theology. I have changed my eating and exercise patterns to loose 45 pounds and then I went back to old ways to gain 50 back again. I have worked as a janitor, a grounds keeper, a factory worker, a lifeguard, a pastor, a college professor. I have retrained my thoughts so that I can better love my wife and not work all the time.

But sometimes I still find myself wondering just who I am. I am waiting to hear back from to possible employers for new jobs, I am also facilitating two online classes, and oh yeah, trying to write a dissertation to finish this PhD, and for monetary reasons I have seriously considered getting a job as a subway sandwich artist. Who am I, what is meant for my life?

One of the things that is so striking about Jesus in John Chapter 13 is that he knows who he is. Verse 3 says, "Jesus knew that the Father had given him authority over everything and that he had come from God and would return to God." Based on this knowledge of who he was, Jesus then proceeded to act in love and service to his disciples. He takes off his robe, wraps a towel around himself, and begins to wash their feet. How many of us are secure enough in who we are that we would humble ourselves to to roll of a servant and wash the nasty, dirty, road weary feet of those we are supposed to be leading?

Jesus then goes on to encourage the disciples to serve one another is this same way. He tells them that one of them will betray him, and then he serves his betrayer food after already washing his feet. With all of Peter's boasting about being willing to die for him, Jesus knows that Peter will deny him...and yet he washed his feet. Why does he reveal these things to the disciples, the betrayal and denial, so that later when it happens they will know that, "I AM the Messiah." He knows who he is and it allows him to serve, to suffer, to be betrayed and denied, and to still love those who will do these things to him. To still love us...who's sin requires his sacrifice. He is the son of God and he knows his purpose, he knows who he is in relation to the Father.

Who are we in relation to the Father? We are children of God...I am a child of God. Because of what Jesus did I can know who I am, even if I don't know who will hire me or what I will be called to do next. In the same way that this was Jesus' anchor for his life and mission, this must also be our anchor. We are children of God and he loves us.

May we know today that we are children of God...and may we serve and love because of it wherever we are, with whatever level of clarity we have about what is coming next in our lives.

Jesus stayed in the oven of Palestine, rather than going on vacation to Greece. (John 12)

Have you ever felt like giving up for greener pastures?

I remember when we were living back in Portland, OR Laura and I were really at odds with each other. I was working way to much trying to meet the expectations of church members and life at home was no picnic to come home to either. For a long time Laura was struggling with severe depression and then later as she recovered from that, she was so angry at me because I had nothing left to give the family after spending all my energy on the church.

She finally came to the place where she said she didn't want to live in the same house with me, it was just to painful. She said she didn't want a divorce, but she wanted me to go live with my sister for a while. I told her no, and we lived in chaos for a while longer. She said it again a few months later and I put a bag together in the car as we drove an appointment with a counselor.

I had begun to think there might be some relief if I stayed with the sister a while...somewhere where the person wanted me around. I had already been doing this by spending all of my time at work. Fortunately the counselor convinced us both that moving out was not a good plan as it increases the divorce rate to 75-90% or something like that. Instead I took a leave from the church for about 5 weeks and stayed so that we could get our marriage back on track.

In John chapter 12, Jesus is in the middle of a pressure cooker. He has been performing all of these amazing miracles as evidence that he is the Messiah and has been sent from God. The latest of which was raising Lazarus from the dead. Many have come to believe in him because of Lazarus, but others have decided all the more to kill him because of Lazarus. The Pharisees have even started to plot against Lazarus life because of those who are believing in Jesus.

As the pressure is mounting Jesus is presented with a request from some Greeks who want to speak with him. Jesus gives a rather strange answer to this request. He begins to speak about his death and the necessity of his death that the gospel might be spread to the whole world. Then he says, "what shall I say, Father save me from this hour. But this is the very reason I came! Father, bring glory to your name." And then the Father speaks from heaven in reply, "I have already brought glory to my name, and I will do so again." Jesus responds telling the crowd that the Father's words were for their benefit and then once again speaks of his death...to be lifted up...meaning a death on the cross.

Why does Jesus respond like this to the request of the Greeks? This is a moment of temptation for him..."You don't need to stay in the middle of the pressure cooker that will lead to your death. Come away to Greece where we want to hear from you and listen to your teaching. You don't need to die." It sounds a lot like the temptation of Satan to simply bow to him and he would give Jesus all the nations of the world. "You don't have to go through the cross...through the suffering...through the struggle." But Jesus stays, knowing that his death will be the very thing that delivers all the nations of the world rather than a limited time of comfort in Greece.

I don't know what you might be going through right now...what it might be that you are tempted to abandon. I have watched marriages fall apart when one or both of the individuals think that there will be greener pastures somewhere else. I watched a friend of my family try to find greener pastures with four different marriages. I have no desire to judge the circumstances of the lives of others. I do have a desire in my own life to be like Christ, to stay and to lay down my life for my wife so that the glory of God might be revealed. Jesus stayed with his wayward bride of Israel even unto the point of death...that we might all be saved.

Your struggle may lie elsewhere than your marriage...it maybe a difficult job, a church that seems to have fallen apart, a friendship that has stabbed you in the back. There are times when we need to let go and move on...but there are many times when we can restore if we can stay.

May the Holy Spirit give you the strength to stay and the wisdom to know when to lay down your life for another...and only if necessary when to let someone go.

Uncle Layne a Man of Joy

As a child I remember waiting for Layne, more like longing for Layne. We would make the 8-hour drive with my mom at least once a year to Bellingham to see her side of the family. I have many good memories of times spent with cousins and learning art at the hand of Grandad. But I remember longing for Layne. I couldn’t wait for the moments when he would come exploding through the door similar to Kramer but with much more presence. He filled the doorframe, his shoulders touching both sides and his arms and smile spread as wide as the threshold. He loved us dearly. Once Layne came, the day was going to be filled with joy, that is why I longed for him. Time in the park, I can still remember one summer day turning a wading pool into a swimming pool. Fully clothed my sister, Layne, and I started to play a guess which animal I am game. Layne laid on his back in the water touching his fingers to his toes and as his arms moved apart from his legs he spit water between his hands and his feet. “I’m a clam!” He laughed and shook the park with his Joy.

As I got older I got the amazing opportunity to spend nights with Layne. I didn’t have to just long for a couple of hours with this Uncle of joy I got to spend entire days and nights with him. Sleeping in the rafters of an unfinished attic, telling stories, and listening to music. I could share all of my music and he would listen to it all. Not just listen to it, dance to it, move to it, live to it. Trips to Old Fairhaven, record stores, and great breakfasts would follow. Layne was a man of joy for a young boy to look up to and long to be like. The way he loved, inspired love. I remember as a teenager attending his wedding and meeting a sweet blond. The love and joy of the wedding was infectious and inspiring and nostalgic.

As an adult, I came to see other sides to Layne, which I had not understood as a child. I saw the disappointments when joy was not found. But Layne was still a man chasing joy over and over again. He was never content to be without joy, never wanted a part of his life to be without the passion that joy brings. And the truth is, I still longed for Layne, to share in his time and in his heart. We began to share heart and mind as we spoke poetry and played music together until wee hours in the morning. We began to engage the questions of life and the universe, ever expanding possibilities, ever possible for joy.

The last time I saw Layne we shared a meal with family, we remembered Grandad, we spoke of God, angels, and the universe. And then we shared the life and joy that is music one last time. My hands strumming the guitar as he gave breathe to the harmonica. The whole house filled with Joy and when we said goodbye I was swallowed in the arms of joy from the largest man I have ever hugged. I long for you still Layne…and I pray that I might honor your memory by living with greater joy for my daughter, my wife, and my community as you did. Rest in peace my dear Uncle and Friend.

Tragedy and Chess Pieces (John 11)

How do you define Tragedy?

Sometimes I wonder what tragedy really is. I know the obvious ones: natural disasters, genocides, losing a loved one, great sickness or loss. Something tragic happens right? It seems many times that we see tragedy as sudden but many times is comes on slowly and isn’t quite as dramatic as we might think. Maybe tragedy would include a longsuffering illness, the slow decline of mental faculties, perhaps the slowly sinking into debt?

John 11 tells two stories of tragedy. In the first story Jesus is told of a rather sudden illness that has come upon his friend Lazarus. Instead of going to him Jesus waits another 3 days before setting out. He also makes some rather disturbing comments about it. Lazarus’ illness has a purpose in the glory of God. Is God just playing around with us like chess pieces to bring him glory? Some think he does. Jesus’ reaction to confronting the death of his friend however shows that even if God is uses tragedy to fulfill his purposes – he doesn’t like tragedy. Jesus wept. It’s the shortest verse in the bible. The God of the universe incarnated, weeps, is deeply moved at the loss of his friend and the pain it causes his loved ones. Jesus does bring glory out of this tragedy as he raises Lazarus from the grave and many believe that he is now the messiah – the way, the truth, and the life.

The second story of tragedy in this chapter is one of slow growing tragedy over generations of law keeping Pharisees. When people believe in Jesus the church leaders of the day see this as a threat. “If the people chase after this Jesus, the Romans will come and take our status of power and rulership away from us.” Then the high priest speaks prophesy without knowing it. “It is better for the one man to die for the many.” The tragedy here is the slow hardening of the hearts of the leaders of Israel to the final end of killing their messiah. Yet even in this, glory is brought through tragedy and we see that we are not simply pawns in this mess of pain. Jesus, God incarnate, is also a player in this game. He is the lead in this story. He doesn’t just move us around for his glory. He is with us through it all bringing glory out of the tragedy.

I haven’t had a sudden tragedy in my life lately, rather a slow creeping one called debt. Going back to school is a good choice and I am glad that God has given me this opportunity, but sometimes I wonder if I am a pawn and if I can really trust him to bring me out of this growing debt. Today I find strength to believe as I read the stories in John 11. God has a purpose of glory in mind and I must wait on him.

May we see the glory of God come out of the tragedy in our lives, may they be causes for us and those around us to believe in who he is, and while we wait may we hold on to Jesus.

Remembering Grandad (John 10)

This last Friday night Feb 23rd my Grandfather died. As I reflect on his life I am reminded of a man who pursued life. As a child I knew him as a loving grandparent who would take us to the park, taught us how to fly kites, a man covered in paint who had great patience and exuberance over a child's painting, a musician who loved to hear his grandchildren play their feeble songs on the piano and who picked up his violin to play along. He was the man who taught us all how to dance, not only around the dance floor flowing with grace and music, but through life. This is what he did, he danced with life as a partner flowing and moving from one phase of life to the next.

After retiring from teaching at Western Washington University, he began painting with water color in earnest. He had always done art but now he really dove into the dance. Painting tours around the world, art shows and galleries displaying his work. Life led him into writing as well producing stories and books. And he continued to love well. He always upheld personal relationships and connection as his highest value.

He also knew when to rest. He was never ashamed to lie down on the floor for a 20 minute power nap. Rising refreshed and off to the rest of life. Open heart surgeries caused him to rest and recover, but soon he was once again up and moving again walking the WWU campus. Grandad knew the voice, the call, the lead of abundant life. I am sure that he was not perfect and I know he was human because he is now at rest, but I know he pursued the dance of life always.

Jesus said in John 10:10 he came to give live in abundance. This was the life, which Grandad sought after, and abundant and full life. While I don't think he would have called Jesus the source of this abundant life he pursued it nonetheless. He heard the voice of life resonate deep within his heart. Just before Jesus makes the offer of abundant life, he tells us there is a thief that has come to steal kill and destroy. Today I feel the work of the thief. The dance floor is silent, empty and still. I walk out looking for my grandfather to be moving across the wooden paths, but he's not there anymore. He has been stolen from us...from me.

The voice of the thief has been trying to get through to me the past few days. "Wouldn't it be easier if this were all over?" he whispers, "Just let the dance floor go completely silent, the dance of life simply ends empty." But this is not the voice of a resurrected Christ, and this is not the voice my Grandfather heard. For the voice of Christ strikes up the music once more and invites us to dance again.

So may we dance...my dear friends and family. May we remember Grandad and dance...

Still in the Dark (John 9)

Can you see yet? Cause I'm not sure that I can.

I realized the other day that I really just want to live a life of Joy. I don't want to be stuck in the muck anymore. So much time is wasted in worry and disbelief. It's like a darkness, a fog, a layer of thick mist that you just can't seem to look through. Joy is above the clouds. When you are rising up and up on the plane you know...and you finally rise above the clouds to the clear sky. When the blindness of worry is finally removed and the sight of joy is finally discovered. Even though I have realized it is joy and clarity that I want...It is really hard to break through the clouds. If I could just be grateful for the things I have in my life, live in joy, and passionately work hard for the things that I still need. God has given me the skills I need...so why am I blind in worry instead of soaring with the joy of hard work and accomplishment. I often feel like I'm still in the dark...

In John Chap 9 Jesus comes across a man who has been blind sense birth. The disciples even ask who sinned the man or his parents that he would be born this way. Jesus replies that neither have sinned but he is blind so the glory of God can be revealed. Jesus mixes spit with dirt and puts the mud on the man's eyes. He tells him to go and wash and when the work of washing is done the man can see. It just hit me just now what this is saying. When we are faithful even when we are still blind, when we do the things that Jesus has sent us to do...at the end of the task our eyes will be opened.

I have been reading this same passage for the last three days without blogging on it, because I just couldn't break through the blindness. And yet when I do the thing that God has given me to do, blog, the clarity comes in the obedient service to my Lord. The blind man when he comes through the ordeal with church discipline is once again confronted with Jesus. When he realizes who Jesus is and has faithfully defended the miracle from God in the midst of the darkness of the church, he is able to see who Jesus really is. His response is to bow down and worship Jesus, something only reserved for God. 

The members of the church government tell the man they don't know where Jesus is from the man is simply faithful with the testimony that he has. I don't know all the theology, but what I know is I was blind and now I see. Only someone who is from God can perform such miracles. Faithfulness in the midst of darkness leads to the clarity of who Jesus is and the sight to believe and worship.

If you are still in darkness today, as I feel so many times, may we be faithful to trust and serve in Jesus and find that we will have sight on the other side. Whether our darkness is financial worry, the oppression of church leadership gone wrong, or the debilitation of some physical condition…we can be faithful to our God and come into the light. May we worship him in the darkness and the light.